Patience.

Patience....ugh, not something that I seem to have when it comes to getting healthy or at least the weight loss part of it.   I eat really well and hit the gym and seem to think I should see a huge difference in me.  We can all guess what happens next when I do that body inspection in front the mirror...no change!  Really, how can this happen?  I sweated and made my muscles hurt shouldn't I see something?  Shouldn't there be more shape in my legs or my belly definitely should be flatter because I hold my core posture whenever I'm on the elliptical or tread mill. 

Self sabotage my friends, just another form of it.  I am amazed at how quickly I have allowed myself to jump to these conclusions.  I know better, but that voice that is so afraid of coming out of the box and breaking through always manages to find her way into my brain space.  I know I have the ability to jump in and commit and get the job done.  I quit smoking almost five years ago, a two pack a day smoker who was seriously addicted. (would love to blame that 40 pound weight gain on that, cant)

Am I now addicted to being fat?  I had to sit down and seriously think about this.  No I am not addicted to being fat, I'm just really comfortable there.  It's really easy to be the funny energetic fat lady.  Am I totally happy there?  No I am not.  I am afraid to leave there on some levels and to be totally honest I'm not really sure why.  I guess that is why I am on this journey.

I have done so well on not emotional eating.  This is a huge success for me.  The change, allow yourself to be happy even through your struggles.  I am acknowledging to myself that happy is good and ok, wonderful and exciting.  Your journey doesn't have to be some brutal break down of everything for your journey to be a success.  There will be break downs and breakthroughs of all sizes.

I am seeing changes, not physical ones yet, but mental and emotional changes and I totally credit that with nutrition, vitamins, essential oils, exercise and movement. I thank God for giving me the strength to start this entire journey of self love so that I may give to others.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself...look into the mirror and embrace what a beautiful gift that you are.

Staying on track

I'm plugging along pretty good with the clean eating.  I have to work a bit more in the kitchen than I'm used to but at the same time some accomplished feelings from my cooking creations.  I get to feeling pretty confident in my ways and then I have to venture outside of my happy little comfort zone which I call home.

This last weekend we had a family get together for my nieces birthday.  I knew there would be birthday cake which I was ready to bypass no problem.  I actually had a chocolate cake at home that was clean and amazing.  No cake- check.   Well they ordered in some pizza for our celebration dinner, however that was not what I went to town on.  My niece had made macaroni and cheese and home made garlic rolls!  I love garlic rolls and I ate about five of those garlic rolls and I'm not sure how much mac and cheese found it's way from the fork to my mouth.   I felt awful within 10 minutes of stuffing my face.  My stomach sounded like Mount St. Helens rumbling and the pain and bloating just kept growing to the point of I'm sure I could pass for an pregnant woman in her seventh month. Sounds funny but I am thankful that my body reacted the way that it did.  This was probably one of the clearest message ever sent to me by my body when I sabotage myself or go off track.

What really amazed me through this was how quick my body went back to wanting certain foods.  The mind quickly adapted to crap I had just fed myself and the next day was trying to tell me I needed some processed fast foods.  Yes the Granny B cookie was the first thing that started singing to me...gladly I recalled the awful tummy rumblings of the day before.

I cant always stay in that wonderful comfort zone of home and I do have to venture out into the real world.  Defiantly have to put together some plans on how to best prepare myself and handle these situations so that I am not making myself sick from eating.  A friend of mine, who has some of the best clean eating recipes that I have been trying, had written in her blog how she prepares for these kind of events by making sure that she eats before attending that way knowing she is not going to be around a lot of clean eating choices that her body has been fueled and not so tempted to partake.    Yes I read this wonderful tip after the weekend festivities. 

I have started back to the gym this week and have had two great days on the treadmill and the elliptical.  It's not a habit yet and still just a decision.  I am looking forward to the day when I don't fight myself so hard on getting some exercise.  If I'm going to be a svelte 50 year old I had best make this a habit.  Tomorrow I add in some weights...eeek.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today...just go do it. 

I finally get it.

I have fumbled around looking for the best diet out there for me.  Finally it hit me...I don't want a diet.  I hate diets, I always feel deprived and get angry about it, then I seem to get defiant against myself and rebel on the diet and eat whatever I'm not supposed to just because I can.  This cycle has brought me many great success and then failure because of the "yo-yo" of it all.  I have actually grown up knowing very little about nutrition.  You serve a meat and a potato, portion size has always been just put it on the plate.  Going on a diet meant an extreme opposite of meat and potatoes, never anything balanced.

I started looking into clean eating about six months ago and have talked to quite a few people that clean eat and exercise regularly.  They feel better on so many levels.  Immediately I find a way to sabotage this.  How awful the food is going to taste or how limited I was going to be.  I took a step back and really looked into this.  How can I go wrong when I'm eating real food and not a bunch of processed chemicals.
I told myself well what about so much time cooking...really I stopped myself right there.  Enough already.  I used to cook some great meals for my family until my kids were old enough to be heavily involved in sports and fast food became our mainstay.  I feel it also became the beginning of the decline in my health.  We lived on fast food at least six nights a week because of some sport.  Home cooking became fast mixes of something instead of taking the time to prepare a meal.

About three weeks ago I made the decision that my husband and I will be clean eating.  I actually thought this one through.  I go major grocery shopping every two weeks.  I started buying my groceries based on clean eating and planned on cycling through the stuff in my cupboards and replacing everything eventually with all organic and real food.  We are getting there.  I have found myself enjoying trying a bunch of new spices and combinations to create some new meals to expand our eating horizon.
I am not hungry clean eating and in fact I find myself eating less.  Natural tastes of foods are coming through instead of a processed instant food.  I have even made a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting that was totally clean and totally awesome!  Not deprived at all.

I am down 7 pounds without really trying.  My energy levels are rising and I do not take until 11:30 in the morning to come out of a vegetative state.  Morning coffee is down in a half hour and some house hold chores seem to be getting done before noon ever hits.   Exercise starts back up this coming week regardless if my neck is done being sore or not.  I managed to tweak it, but there is no reason I cannot be walking for extra movement and start the gym habit back at the same time.  I have to get moving for the 5k I am doing in June.

I finally understand a life style change truly....Thank you God for allowing me to get past myself.  I love pushing forward to a healthy me.

Remember tell yourself something positive about yourself today....just go do it.  I promise you will be smiling back at yourself soon and realizing you are a beautiful person inside and out.

Healing

I fell off the radar for a bit.  Recovering from the lack of thyroid medicine was a bit more difficult than I thought it would be to be perfectly honest with you.  It didn't just effect my energy level but my emotional state was messed with big time.  The human body never ceases to amaze me, it's such a fined tuned operation that with one component missing it sure puts the rest in pure havoc. 

There was a haze that took forever to clear, unable to think straight, slow at processing things going on around me, exhaustion and just physical pain.  Depression grabbed hold pretty quick and has been difficult to keep fully at bay. I can go on and on about the how depression changes your life and everyday living, but I refrain.  I never thought as the forever optimist and seemingly happy go lucky girl that it would be something I would have to deal with.  Chronic pain has been a long term issue for me and to slide backwards in the pain department is what was so hard for me to deal with emotionally.  Chronic pain takes such a huge toll on people myself included.   I choose to treat it naturally instead with narcotics and this why my journey is so important to me.  I want to be functional and not drugged out.  I use a number of doTerra oils and supplements to help me balance my systems and I'm grateful for having those.  Exercise at first increases some of the joint pain, but relief does come.  Stretching and some beginning yoga has really helped with some movement issues and I have missed that very much. 

I am back in balance and heading forward again.   I am happy to say that my eating choices not always right on track have even through all of this stayed pretty good.  I did consume some Mrs B cookies...those are just to good!!  Exercise was a no go during all of this and I am honestly looking forward to getting back on the treadmill and working through that stiffness again. 

A journey is never really a straight line rather a series of curves, bumps and hills.  Hang on this curvy girl is moving forward again.

Remember to look in the mirror today and tell yourself something positive about yourself....just go do it.

Medicines

Well I have been on this huge roller coaster the past two weeks.  Huge emotional depths that I just didn't understand.  I was no longer sleeping through the night or getting to sleep more than two hours at a time.  Which is awful with lack of sleep brings on a whole slew of symptoms.  No sleep leads to worsened depression, lack of eating schedule and mixed messages from my brain whether I'm sleepy or hungry.  Fatigue and lack of just wanting to move or even leave my house.  I was kind of in freak out mode really.  I haven't been in this spot for over a year now and was distraught that I was falling back and not moving forward.  I was debating calling my doctor and getting back on anti depressants.

Four days ago while waking up totally fatigued and going through my morning routine of making coffee setting out my vitamins and putting my oils on I reached to grab my thyroid medicine.  It was not there and a huge light bulb went off.   I haven't taken my medicine in about three weeks...ugh.  No wonder!!!  It was knocked down and behind the coffee pot, out of sight out of mind.  I almost sat down and cried...a reason for the back slide and the fatigue.  I have a light shinning into the tunnel...yay!


If any of the above symptoms even sound remotely like something you feel, I would get your thyroid checked.  I didn't realize how much it could effect my mental and emotional health, but if you stop to think about how big of a roll your thyroid plays in your bodies function it totally makes sense.  I'm feeling more positive knowing that all will be balanced once again.  I am also making sure that I use the right oils to aid in the support of my thyroid so that if I ever (not if I can help it) do that again my crash will not be as hard.

No workouts in, but did do moderate stretching to keep my back and hips loose.  My positives in the mirror now that I think about are quite humorous.  I wouldn't give myself much...that's bad.  One of my positives was that my eyebrows were still full and not all the way gray yet...eeeek, hey but it was a positive.  I didn't really binge eat either, I don't keep a lot of binge options that are horrific in my house anymore.  However Jacksons and Granny B's cookies are less than a mile away and I did make those runs a few times..I hate confessing that.  I only would buy one though instead of three!  I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose either.

The battle of this curvy girl shall continue on!  Always discovering new things about myself and my food addiction good and bad I shall share with you.  

Remember to look in the mirror and say something positive about yourself to yourself, no matter how little you think it is.  Say it..it will make a difference.

Emotional Bumps

They days where you look outside and the sky is grey the ground is wet, a slight chill in the air.  I hear alot of people say spring is coming and are all excited.  I just cant get past the grey...

It has been a tough week.  I have not hit the gym, I haven't been binge eating, but I haven't really been cooking the best options either.  This week I have dealt with a pretty deep personal relationship in my life that has never really been the most healthy of relationships.  I choose not to engage or defend a family members behavior.  This has been very hard for me.  I don't like upsetting anyone, I would rather make you feel good about something than be the harsh one.  I have watched as the destructive behavior would effect everyone around, but worse yet the damage control that would try and be done once being "caught" in the destructive behavior.  I have always said I understand, or it will be ok during the damage control stage, however this time I couldn't even justify it in my own brain.  I took a stand and choose not to engage in the damage control and called the situation out for what it was.  I'm proud of myself because I no longer will allow this in our relationship, I am also scared to death because the typical reaction of fine, goodbye and I will miss you.  I'm angered to think that this is what is thought that I never want to see them again.  I am scared because of the reaction and past history.  It really has put me in that grey area.  I know I need to let go and give it to God.  I am praying for healing for both of us.

I haven't moved forward in making my habit of going to the gym or in the eating right.  That also contributes to the blah...however I am recognizing triggers and acknowledging those triggers and not reacting with my typical behavior.  I need to give myself credit for that because I know that is a major stepping stone in dealing with my behaviors with food.  The types of food that are in my house is changing and better options are happening.  I know I'm not crushing forward and giving everyone amazing amounts of advice on how to succeed.  The truth is writing this blog and journaling has been huge for me.  It allows me to process where I'm weak and where I'm strong and that is actually empowering.

Emotional journeys always seem to be the hardest.  I am grateful for everyone in my life and all the lessons that come with relationships.  I'm not sure how my husband puts up with this curvy girl and my bumpy ride. I love that he just smiles shakes his head, pulls me in for a hug and tells me he loves me. 

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today...please just do it.

Pushing through the pain.

Once upon a time about eight years ago I loved going to the gym.  I would wake up and head to the gym about six am every morning.  The funny thing is that I stopped at the local gas station to get my morning coffee mix (full of sugar) and a pack of cigarettes.  I would drive drink my coffee and get about three cigarettes in before I got to the gym where I would put 3.5 miles on a treadmill or elliptical and lifted four days a week.  I didn't fight back pain, I didn't fight the awful pain and ache in my tail bone or my knees.  To this day I cannot tell you why I stopped.  I did stop smoking and have eased up on the coffee.  I can tell you getting started again has been very difficult, even more difficult staying with it.

I cannot sit to long or my tailbone gets sore, usually a change in position helps.  If I have sat to long the pain and ache is there all day and it moves down into my knees.  If I have been on my feet to long the same scenario happens.  I cannot even explain to you what happens when I lay down with it.  The ache becomes intolerable in both my tailbone and knees.  It wakes me up, I cry or whimper around until the pain shifts.   I take over the counter pain meds and use pain relieving rubs on my knees to dull the pain.  This has been a daily part of my life and I had learned to accept it.  The pain stopped me from doing things that I enjoyed, simple tasks of window shopping, sewing or sitting through a movie.  Pain is a huge trigger for depression for me, which can increase pain.  I don't tell people or complain about the pain, no one needs to know.  Through the years I have let people assume I'm lazy or anti social, unmotivated or all of the other assumptions that come with not being able to physically do something.  I would even go to the other extreme and push my body beyond it's limits and be in such agonizing pain that prescription meds would have to be used to ease the pain, just so no one would know the amount of pain I was in.  Some how I viewed being in this much pain at my age as being weak.  I have been told I am weak if I could not handle daily pain. 

About a year ago I made some serious changes about the types of food that went into my mouth (trust me I still have a long way to go).  I also began taking supplements for anti inflammatory.  Natural ones, using essential oils to help heal my body.  When ever possible I avoid over the counter meds and prescriptions and use the natural stuff first.  My kids call me a "hippie", funny how the meaning of that has changed a bit.  I have educated myself on how many conditions of the body are due to inflammation.  Including the awful pain that takes place within me. 

The irony of all of this is thru supplements and diet I have been controlling the pain, until I started working out again.  The movement, impact or no impact has aggravated my sore spots again and I am in constant pain.  I am really struggling with continuing to work out because of the pain at the end of the day.  I know the lack of movement has stiffened things up and getting them moving again will be painful and was warned about it being painful.  I just didn't expect to be back in constant pain.  I know this will pass and those muscles and tendons and ligaments that have stayed tight to protect over inflamed areas are learning to work the right way again and the "stiff" bones will eventually not fight me on the movement.   I am so determined not to end up back in the dark places of my mind because of pain and the depression that it can bring on.  Ironic because exercise is supposed to produce feel good endorphins.

I still continue to watch what I eat, but this last week has been about just getting to the gym and working out, not just moving to shift the pain.  I love that my eyes have been opened about my triggers and that I can learn to manage and beat those triggers.  I pray for the strength to get through this awful physical pain so that I will not endure constant pain in the future with my healthy body, mind and spirit.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself EVERY day.