Wednesday, February 26, 2014


I wrote the best blog post in my head today while on the treadmill.  Now only if I can remember it...I'm sure it would be really interesting or comical to see all the thoughts that ramble through my head during a workout.   I bargain with myself, encourage, dread all in one 60 minute period of sweating. 

I usually use the  treadmills above the pool area.  It's great people watching and has made me quite curious about some of these peoples stories.  There is a couple that I see most of the time when I am there.  They are so loving and you can tell supportive of each other, they swim and sometimes you see them clap for each other after some laps.  I imagine there are some personal goals they are meeting and overcoming some definite health issues.  You can tell when they walk that there is pain in every step.  I encourage them from my treadmill.  They are no different than me, wanting a better quality of life and taking those painful steps to get there.  The beautiful young girl I watched "ice dancing" in pool.  She would spin and jump and put her hands above her head like a beautiful and poised dancer, I envied her self abandonment in the moment.   I watched as some other kids walked by and giggled at her, not seeing the beauty in her dance and imagination.  When it was time to leave I watched her go with the loving supportive couple who could barely walk due to their size.  That is a pretty powerful motivator, not because they were big in size but big in their stature.  Taking those painful steps to reach a better less painful life with their beautiful daughter.  This family to me is a beautiful inspiring story.

 I read a post on fb last week where a friend didn't like going out to run, she were embarrassed about being out there and not looking like the part that should be running. How many times has this stopped me in the past, alot.   I'm proud to say this did not stop her and she went out anyway, I have always admired the strength and strong faith of this lady and I probably should tell her that.  She is inspiring to me.  Self image can be so detrimental to our journey of getting healthier.  Whether we fit in or look the part shouldn't be an issue in anyone getting healthier or staying healthy you cannot see someones story just by looking at them, if you think you can stop it. (unless it's a good one like above)

My story is that I deal with depression and food addiction.  I am taking charge of my food addiction, learning to eat better and exercise which will help with the depression.   My story is not always a happy one, but a very real one.  Just like the couple at the pool I am taking painful steps to become a better me.

The real part:  Weekend road trip without a plan.  Oops.  Jack in the box, Denny's, greasy bar burger, key lime Granny B's cookie oh and a cheese danish = 3.5 pounds gained.  Eeeekk...wrong direction.  Putting food into my mouth without a thought or a care really could have been avoided if I would have stopped and thought about it.  I have gotten really good at thinking about what is going in when i am in my home environment but not so well outside of it.  Something I am defiantly going to have to really make sure I am aware of.  The good that came of the road trip, besides and amazing time, I looked at it and realized it's something I have to work on.  I did not allow it to stop me from going forward this time!  I'm so proud of myself for that, huge!  Workouts are progressing and I am about to add the weight training to my routine.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself.  Go, do it now.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Fear of success.

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
I fear success and I fear failure. If I look at this according to the definition I'm being just silly.  Success does not fit into this definition.  Why do I fear success so much, not only in my getting healthy journey but in my business as well.  I fear failure, because failures lead to success really.   Mind blown...My fear of success seems even sillier now.   

What is success for me, that seems to be the question I'm asking myself alot lately.  I have solely based my success on my husband and my children over the last 25 years.  My kids are adults and alive( i was sure i was going to take one out)...huge success.   My husband still winks at me across the room and takes me for everything that I am...huge success.  So why would I fear success so much, good things come from being successful.  

I picture my healthy successful self in a really cute pair of running shorts jogging the green belt with my pups running beside me.  That is a great successful vision, my legs still seem to appear longer than they really are.  What is there to fear about this healthy version of me...nothing!  Logically I see the big picture and the choices I have to make.  Emotionally is a whole other story. 

I have relied on eating to fix, help and process every single one of my emotions my entire life and letting go of that is scary as all get out.  Taking responsibility for what goes into my mouth instead of making excuses for what goes into my mouth makes me cry.  I seem to be viewing it as shutting down myself and everything that I am.  If only my metabolism understood emotional processing.   I have dealt with many childhood traumas and they do not and have not defined me as a person, they have made me a better and stronger person, however I used food to get me through everything including successes.   Wipe the tears away and take a deep breath.   I pray daily for the guidance and wisdom and grace to make all the changes that I need to make. 

Remember to look in the mirror and say something positive about yourself  today.  Just go do it.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


The stress of dieting/getting healthy can really lead someone to just give the hell up!  Drink 8 glasses of water a day.  No beer or wine (particularly no fun), no carbs, no flour, no banana's no fruit in general.  Juice everyday, wait what?  I thought I couldn't have fruit.  Get up and work out before your brain figures it out.  You must eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking, but wait aren't I supposed to be at the gym? Low-fat has more sugar added, low carb has more fat added. all gets really overwhelming and really frustrating which causes stress, which produces cortisol that adds mass to your belly, or so I have read.  How the heck are we supposed to know which is right and which is wrong.  I have been told you just have to find what works for you.  Really??   I feel like a floundering fish on the dock trying to get back into the water....I'm sure I heard about a diet where the guy ate Starbucks or McDonald's all year and lost weight.  What worked for me was a little pill called Phentramine, OK not really, old habits and triggers never resolved.

Stress is a huge trigger to eat for me, imagine being that floundering fish and feeling like dang I should have never eaten that worm!  Do you think the fish thought about eating the worm?  Do you think the fish analyzed his reason for wanting the worm? Nope he was hungry and ate the worm, no thought, no worry no analyzing what eating the worm meant.  The fish ate the worm for survival, he needed to feed so he did.  Sounds easy right...I should be able to not think about what I'm eating and just fuel my body.  Logically I totally understand this concept and really think that is what I should be able to do.  I should not have an emotional attachment to food.

I'm alot like that fish.  I just eat the worm, however it is not always out of hunger.  Usually after I have eaten I end up thinking about what and why I ate.  The decision of what I at is not always a bad one, unless we are going by the theory that fruit is forbidden.  Why I ate seems to be the one that keeps repeating itself.   The time of when I eat is another one that I am trying to really work on.

When my kids were young I would put them to bed and then the hubby would go to bed then I would sit down and "treat" myself to left over dinner or some more amazing dessert.  The house was quiet, I watched what I wanted and ate and enjoyed myself completely.  I continued this late night evening even after my children went away to college.  This cycle created the effect that I could not go to sleep without a full tummy.  Joy, another wrong signal.  I do have to be careful, hunger signals are now sent to my brain when I am tired.  My brain even starts the battle with me as I'm laying in bed....

I know I have written about attachment to food before, but this journey is not going to be one of those that I wrote about it and now it works (I wish).  I struggle with eating out of emotion, stress, boredom and being tired.  Everyday is there is a win and some loses, but each day I learn a bit more.  I am not at the gym everyday, but I am going at 3 times a week so far.  I still have a tendency to want to just stay home in my happy little bubble.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Saturday, February 15, 2014


Lessons to be learned everyday.  We don't always control what our lessons are but we need to be very aware of what is coming at us during the day and learn from it.  Getting into a routine is a good thing, not paying attention to variables in your routine means you missed an opportunity to grow.  A gal I know who is an amazing foster mom put that into perspective the other day.  She was taking her daughter to daycare when her car broke down, had to get it towed to a shop, take a taxi from the shop to the daycare.  They both could have had a meltdown because the routine was destroyed but her daughter put it into a beautiful was and adventurous day. 

Trying to start a new routine in itself is a task that seems next to impossible sometimes.  Starting a healthy life style is a challenge to this curvy girl for sure.  I am working hard on every aspect of this with success and failures.  I get the healthy eating down for the first part of the day, but end up with a bunch of spoonfuls of peanut butter in my face before I realize what I have even done.  Peanut butter has always been on of those go to foods at night for me (nothing better than by the spoonful).   Breakfast the most important meal of the day.  It's a meal I fight with myself to eat, my entire life I have not been a breakfast eater, it's the meal to get your metabolism started to fuel you for the day and should be eaten within a half hour of rising.  Ugh!  I'm lucky if food gets down me before 1:00 p.m.  I have been working very hard on this one and 5 out of 7 days I do have something breakfasty down me within 45 minutes of getting up.  It's not perfection (another form of self sabotage) and that is OK. 

I have hit the treadmill three days out of the last four!!  Yay me!  I can honestly say the only reason I didn't go was because I didn't have a car.  Hmmm....who sees a bit of self sabotage here.  I could have very easily put a leash on the dog and cruised, OK drug the dog through the neighborhood for some movement that day.  I even just justified it by stating I didn't have a car there for I could not possible move in any physical way.   The routine I am setting up for myself seems to be exercise only in a gym setting, that is not OK.  I need to allow variables in my routine so that I set myself up for success instead of failure. 

I am learning that routines are not always a bad thing.  A routine had always represented giving in, to what I have no clue.  I had a daily routine, but really without structure (another form of self sabotage).  I am discovering there is alot more freedom and a lot less pressure when some structure is in there even when a variable is thrown in there.

I was asked the other day if always referring to myself as a curvy girl was projecting a negative image in my mind.  I had to think about that.  I don't want to put any kind of image in my mind that might sabotage what I am trying to achieve.  Life long health.  The answer I came up with is no.  Marilyn Monroe by today's standards is considered a curvy girl.  Jane Mansfield and all of the hot blond bombshells of that era would be considered curvy girls.  Why you ask, because they have boobs and a butt and you cant count their ribs.  I have always had boobs and a butt even when weighing in at 107 pounds.  Yes I want to be called a curvy girl, a healthy curvy girl!

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Life with a curvy girl: Bargaining for what

Life with a curvy girl: Bargaining for what: I am amazed at just how much one person can learn about themselves.  I am the queen of procrastination that is for sure, I always try to be ...

Bargaining for what

I am amazed at just how much one person can learn about themselves.  I am the queen of procrastination that is for sure, I always try to be better at it but that goal just seems to be pushed off...hmm, more procrastination.   I also learned that procrastination is a great method of self sabotage.  Well, that just put a whole new perception on that!  I'm sure I have heard and read this numerous times, but some how when I read it this time it seemed to have turned on a light. 

Bargaining myself out of joy seems to be another good method of self sabotage that I discovered about myself just the other day.   I love to sew, aprons seem to make me very happy when I make them.  I love the designing, construction and seeing the what my completed project looks like.  I love giving them away that makes me even happier.   The last 3 years I have not made more than two aprons.  I never really thought much about it, until yesterday as I'm walking to the car and was bargaining with myself.  If you go to the gym you can sew....What!!!  I know I have tried to make this deal with myself more than once over the last couple of years.   Really....I haven't been sewing because I bargain something that brings me joy and others around me.  If I'm being joyful I am spreading that joy.  I love making something knowing I get to give it to someone.  My bargain deprived other people of joy!!

Well I let that one go pretty quick and whipped out a very cool Big Bang Theory apron, yes I gave it to my husband to use when he makes his famous chicken strip dinners (normally in his good work clothes).   Seriously one form of self sabotage only if I could spell that sound effect.  Bargaining with yourself is not always a great thing to do, but if you must make sure you are not taking away something that brings joy.  When you feel joy you cant help but share it, don't take that away from yourself or the people around you.

I did hit the gym today.  Quad felt really good so I walked 3.5 miles today and burned 443 calories.  I even jogged a quarter mile of it today.  Averaged a 17 minute mile a good starting point, will be working to reduce that daily.  It felt really good and I rewarded myself with lots of kudos, oh and a new sports bra.  The girls pretty much got a work out on their own during the jog portion today.  I'm looking forward to the day when I can run that 3.5 miles.  I miss running.

Thank you God for giving me the strength to make this journey.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about it now.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Life with a curvy girl: Definition

Life with a curvy girl: Definition: Definition of DEPRESSION 1. : a displacement downward or inward < depression of the jaw> 2 : an act of depressing or a ...


Definition of DEPRESSION

: a displacement downward or inward <depression of the jaw>
: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a (1) : a state of feeling sad (2) : a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide b : a reduction in functional activity, amount, quality, or force <depression of autonomic function> <depression of red blood cells> 
Most of America does not talk about depression or how it affects them or their loved ones.  "Mental Health" is usually only discussed when the horrific events take place.  Unfortunately this seems to only fuel the misconception of depression.  You would actually be amazed at how many people face daily depression and are not facing going off the deep end. 

Embarrassment has always been felt when talking so someone about dealing with daily depression.  The look in someones eyes and the wonder they have about you.  Dealing with "it" is usually a quiet battle that no one knows you are going through.  I cannot tell you all of the chemical science behind it, I do know being overweight, inactive and chronic pain contribute majorly to it. I do know that I have been dealing with depression for as long as I can remember, heavy and thin. This does not mean that I am sad all of the time, or that I even need medication.  I function and I function well, I enjoy people, places and things.  Sometime getting myself into these functions takes more gumption or talking myself into.  If I am not aware on a daily basis of where my "mood" is I can easily become very inactive, quiet, extremely tired and in a funk.  Sometimes a funk can physically hurt, sometimes its just exhaustion.

I believe that if I am going to get truly healthy I need to address more than just the physical part of it.  The mental part plays a bigger role than any of us give it credit for.  We need to be very aware of what our thoughts are and what those thoughts contribute to our mood.  I try everyday to keep this in check, some days much easier than others for sure.  
I'm am not sure why I was so compelled to write about depression today.  I hope that this reaches someone that it needs to reach.  Who ever you are, you are not alone.  Depression is not a stigma, nor should you be treated like it is.  There are so many solutions at our fingertips.  Asking is the hardest part, but you have to start some where.  Take the first step and realize that you are not alone and probably more people in your life can relate to what you are dealing with...ask.
Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Working through it.

The last week has been quite the emotional and mental journey for me.  I was so excited to start working out with such intensity for sure fire definite results.  I loved that I broke through some fears and went to workout no matter what and was determined to go back on Thursday.  Well my body had other plans.  My right quad apparently takes the brunt of any squats lunges or general leg workouts...I managed to strain the muscles in my right quad.  Yeppers when I do it I do it big.  I literally could not walk, forget getting up and down from a sitting position.  It was quite the entertaining site for sure.  I looked a little bit like Lurch dragging my right leg along for the ride.

Wednesday was all good, lots of pain but a positive outlook for the next days workout.  I could do this, I could stretch and warm up work though the tears.  Thursday rolled around with no improvement, no work out, cant drive so how am I supposed to workout.   Thursday was not a good day.  It was a day that my mind, body and soul hurt.  I got into my own head...self -sabotage.  (Reading a really good book about this.)  I have become that person that is so fat that working out injures themselves. Wondering if I should just give up.  I felt like a failure a quitter for not following through.  What good is getting healthy if all it does it cause injury and pain.  Why bother with it, live the life that I have been dealt and move on.  Thursday was a day spent going to dark places that I try to avoid because a not very nice person lives there.  She is mean and overly critical.   The reality of my injury, I am out of shape and I pushed myself very hard during Tuesdays workout.  Nothing to be so critical of really. 

My victory for Thursday I did not binge eat!!!  Huge, huge and triple huge! 

Learning to love and encourage ones self is not an easy journey.  Admitting faults, reactions and feelings out loud or on paper makes you really take a peek at just how awful we can treat ourselves.  I am really mean to myself sometimes, almost a bully.  I have caught myself a few times this weekend and have corrected the thoughts I was having.  My daughter has been a big help in stopping me when I start out with a negative about myself.  (I am sad knowing I taught her this same behavior).  I think I will journal my feelings to help me process through them and they way that I choose to react to them.  I think putting them on paper will be a positive thing just like sharing this blog.

I am down a half pound this week, I will take that.  Tomorrow I will either be swimming or on a bike at the gym, I have to be careful not to go into I need to heal more mode.  I will not give up!!  I am making better food choices and working on portion control, big one for me.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

The book I am reading: “Best Friend Worst Enemy – Overcoming Self-Sabotage in YOUR Life!’ Jane Freund.  The book is available on Amazon, plus she has some local workshops available as well.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Numbers Day

I'm back.  I managed to be on the receiving end of someone sharing their cold/flu with me. I was hit pretty hard by it and even missed a Superbowl party.  That in it's self was probably not a bad thing, somehow Superbowl food rates right up there with Thanksgiving overindulgence.

I signed up for a 21 day fitness at FIT, LLC that started today.  Talk about having a great excuse not to go!  Still having the head pressure and a bit of a sore throat I would have be justified staying home.  I really proud of myself though....I went.  Scary, specially not knowing who I had in my workout group.  Before my workout I had to do the dreaded weigh in and body fat percentage.  OUCH!!    I told you I would be honest about all of this.  I weighed in at 224 the kicker 105 of that is fat.  I am at 48% body fat. (I carry it well though)  Almost half of my body is fat...Yes, I'm still letting this sink in.  I can handle this, this is why I am at gym and on my journey.

What I wasn't ready to handle was the feeling I had while working out.  I was less stressed about the two beautiful women I was working out with, than the reality of how out of tune my body is.  It was hard not to cry as I'm doing lunge thingies with weights.  Yes pain, but mostly how did I let myself get here.  The very humbling feeling of doing high knee steps and my own stomach hitting my thighs and  getting in the way.  The worst part being so out of shape that I couldn't even finish the work out.  I was done, wiped out, light headed and dizzy.  I was mortified.  I was always the one even out of shape that would push through, sweat it out and finish it.  I observed the rest of our workout, sweating from my efforts.  I let my head clear so I could drive and left in tears and angry at myself. (Grateful the car was not a stick shift )  Not for not finishing but for telling myself for so long that I was OK.  I am not OK!!  Almost half of my body is fat and I cannot do more than a 20 minute workout without major body pain and being nauseous, that is not okay!!!

Seeing my numbers and the 72 pounds that I need to lose to get me down to a 22% body fat really opened my eyes, but what caught my attention the inability to complete a workout.  To face the lie I have been telling myself that my size never stops me from doing what I want..HUGE lie!

I did more today than I did yesterday or the week before.  Reality check hit, loving doTerra right now for Deep Blue oil for my poor legs and arms.  Loving myself for winning my battle of go don't go today! Mental and emotional battles won today!  I will return to FIT, LLC on Thursday and push through more than 20 minutes of our planned workout!  

One small step at time.  Thanking God for the strength and humility to start my journey for a better me.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today.