Goals

Patience with weight loss is something I am still learning.  I have always done the quick fix with no long term success.   A few months back I was told by my doctor that if I kept up at this rate my pancreas would burn out and I would be a full fledged diabetic.  EEeeekkkk... not acceptable!  I did everything she told me to do no bread, potatoes, rice, cereal, oatmeal lots of fruits and veggies.  I dropped 20 pounds pretty quickly and actually felt better.  Well, the weight lost is almost all back on.  The only goal I had set for myself was to get my insulin levels back to normal.  I did that...now what?

In the past I would set a goal for myself go hard and smash through it.  I would not even acknowledge the steps that I took to reach whatever goal was set.  It has really been all or nothing (not a great option), that pattern was really setting me up for failure.  Losing weight I would meet my goal but never change the cycle in which I got there.  All or nothing, I either did it or I didn't.


Getting to a goal takes commitment, choices, fear, and change.  Just racing for that goal and hitting it without any acknowledgement of steps taken forward and backward is just a set up to repeat the vicious cycle.  Taking a step forward needs to be celebrated and high fives, taking a step backwards needs to be acknowledged and learned from so that you do not repeat it. 

I met with the trainer today and we set some first goals before we start the workouts next week.  Something that is difficult for me, portion sizes.  I suck at guessing serving sizes, my steps to this first goal is to  measure out my portions.  If I'm eating out get a to go box before I even take a bite and put half of my meal in the to go container.  Genius!! Eating breakfast within a half hour of waking up...oh this is soooo hard for me.  I will be aware of both and take those first steps to reach my life long goal of health.

Acknowledge your baby steps because they are victories.  We get stronger with each victory, with strength the backward steps aren't so big.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Accountability

Accountability it's even discussed in the Bible.  It's really a big scary word if you over analyze it.  Who are we accountable to?  What are we accountable for?  Why does accountability really matter?

I am learning that this word is a huge factor in my success in getting healthy.  Holding myself accountable for what goes into my mouth, my actions and my choices in everything.  In the past I have always bargained with myself.  If I eat this pizza I will walk the dog later, or I will get to the gym to make up for this.  The bargain also included since your eating pizza you might as well have some ice cream for dessert, because I am planning on going to the gym.  Next step,  I don't really want to go to the gym so picking up my house and vacuuming will be like a workout...the bargaining goes on and on.  I had no accountability to myself, no paying attention to anything other than that immediate satisfaction of what I wanted.  My lack of accountability has snowballed me to where I am now.  I think lack of accountability/responsibility also leads you to sabotage yourself.  Easier to put it on everything and every where else than where it belongs. 

No more bargaining allowed.  I am learning to step back and think about why I'm standing in front of the refrigerator not acting immediately on the whim of what I think I want to eat.  I have rescheduled with the trainer and will not waste his time or mine.   I am learning that healthy does not mean deprived.

I am accountable to God, myself, my family in all my choices and yes accountability matters without it I would weigh a ton.  

Happy notes:  Down 3.5 pounds, enjoying juicing (at least once a day) and getting better at racquetball.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Moving forward

Through a very rough time yesterday, today was a healing day.  Looking at yourself honestly is not an easy task but a humbling one.  I have been told I was brave to put that out there, lets be honest about this if you knew me it was not a big surprise to you as it was to me.  Now what, time for me to be hyper aware of reacting out emotion.  To dwell on this or accept that this is just how I am is not moving forward, therefore is unacceptable.  With every painful part of life comes growth and for me this was a growth spot.

The thing that makes this journey for a truly healthy me is this time I am willing to look at the good, the bad and the ugly.  I was never willing to honestly face my short comings or how I viewed myself or my relationship with food.  Changing the way I approach situations is key to my success in this journey and looking at my "ugly" is a step in that direction.  If getting healthy was only has easy as getting fat/unhealthy was. 

I truly believe that everyone can change physically by exercising  and eating healthy, but if you are unwilling to make some kind of emotional change, or recognize the negative influences around you the quest may keep repeating itself until some issues are resolved.

Changes have already been rolling in me this week, even with a rough emotional day I did not use food to comfort me!  I totally took this deed head on!!!  Thank you God for giving me the strength.

Today was really no more than readdressing what I am thankful for.  I have an amazing family and a few friends that love me no matter what.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today no matter what.

Not a great day.

Today was an awful day in alot of ways.  I was so excited and so proud of myself for reaching out for help only to sabotage myself once again.  I had a night of mouth pain and a pounding head (pain killers taken), so I canceled my meeting with trainer, late I should add.   Really no excuse, it was a meeting not a workout.
I totally wasted this guys time and I felt horrible about it.  How selfish of me, and I found myself really beating my self up and some personal realizations of just how selfish I can be.   I did call him later in the day and apologize for wasting his time and told him I realize his time is valuable and I do appreciate that.  He told me would send me a time when he was available again...I have not heard from him and totally get it.  This guy is really good at what he does and doesn't need to chase after someone who appears to be not serious.  I will call him again as hard as that is going to be.

Today was a glimpse into a side of  me I really did not want to see.  It's hard to realize that your excuses affect other peoples lives and not always in a positive way.  I know I have let people down, shorthanded and alone all because I couldn't see past my own depression.  I am truly sorry to anyone I have effected because of this and humbly ask for your forgiveness.


I saved this and did not post this yesterday...I did not want to post something out of pure emotion, I will admit I cleaned this up a bit today before publishing.  This is a super hard one for me to let everyone see.

I did tell myself something positive about myself yesterday, as hard as it was.

Big Scary Step

Motivation, choices, body image...yep I have managed to talk about all three, but what is all of this coming to.  Me just typing about all the things that I need to change and do without taking any action.  Nope I cant do that, for the first time I really need to commit to this.


My God given gift is the power of encouragement.  I can and will whole heartedly cheer you on in anyway that you need.  I will even sew you a cape if that's what it takes for you be fulfilled, successful, and happy.  I feel pure joy when I am able to truly encourage someone.  I would go to the end of the earth to make sure you know that you are capable, gifted and loved.  It's a God given gift that for some reason I do not lavish on myself.  I do everything possible to discourage myself...ugh, this needs to stop!

Today I took a BIG scary step and reached out to a trainer for help.  It is only a 15 day challenge, but this is huge for me!  I have serious commitment issues!  Asking someone for help means I have to show up, it means i cant quit, it means not canceling because I didn't get enough sleep.  It means I cant bail!  It means I have to try... It means that I could succeed.  This is really, really scary for me.

I am realizing that my go with the flow attitude is not always conducive to a plan, and many parts of life need plans.  I have a tendancy to view plans as restrictive not a a roadway to use for achieving success.  This is a lesson that I am learning from a online Bible study that I am participating in and the book we are using is "Made to Crave Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food by Lysa Terkeurst.   I highly recommend this book whether you decide to do this as a bible study or just read it.  

I do want you to know while taking the big scary step I was driving to Five Guys to meet a friend for lunch while I was talking to the trainer!  Getting ready to kiss Five Guys goodbye until I learn some new eating habits.

Tomorrow at 10 a.m.  I have a meeting with Justin at FIT  LLC to learn about nutrition and to set up our times together.  I'm really scared about this a little excited and a little depressed.  If I would have thought this all the way through I would have set this up so I could enjoy a bunch of really bad food all weekend.  I like to think that this means I will succeed in this journey because the food was not the first thought this time.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Body Image

Every time I walked by the mirror today I was shocked at that woman that was there!  Holy molly when did that happen.  The number on the scale doesn't always portray what we think we look like in our brain.  I know I'm overweight, however I do not see myself as big as I am, so when I do see myself in a picture or in the mirror I am a bit shocked.  Which usually triggers either an oh my God attack of either food or a sudden need to plank.  If you can plank you have ab muscles, if you have ab muscles it cant be so bad, right.

The other end of the spectrum when I picture my future self in a skinner frame somehow my legs seem to get about six inches longer.  I'm not sure how that happens, but I like it.  I could wear all the thigh high boots and they would go where they belong instead in my crotch.  I seem to see myself with wind blowing my hair away from my face and that perfect Victoria Secret model walk happening.  Hmmm....sorry was enjoying the picture of my modelesc self.

So how do we find that right body image for us to hold onto, that mental image for us to shoot for?  Why do we have to have an image, most of them that we project for ourselves are not realistic.  There is a video floating around out there that Dove sponsored.  They had an artist listen to these women describe themselves and the artist drew them, then the artist had someone else describe them and drew them...the difference in the pictures were huge.  We all have are own distorted images that we need to throw out the window.

The body image we usually have to look at when we are older are our parents.  My father is a great specimen of health for an 87 year old man.  He rides his bike daily watches his diet and plays golf regularly.  My mother struggled with her weight all her life and did not take care of herself.  I now watch my 78 year old mother struggle with standing up right, kidney disease, diabetes.  It makes me angry that my mother did not stop and take the time to take care of herself, to get fit and eat right.  The awful truth about this is I am my mother.  I now sit in a position to take charge and make some changes or end up with this same path that my mother now is on and hates it.
 
I have to picture a goal to work for.  Here is my picture:

I wake up in the morning refreshed and recharged.  My body doesn't have struggles getting out of bed, when I stand my feet do not hurt from having the extra weight on them.  I can bend over to tie my shoes without having to hold my breath and grunt.  My muscles are lean and strong, my eyes will be bright and alert to all of the beauty around me, my skin will glow from my body not being toxic.  I will be able to run along with my great nieces and nephews and someday my grand children. 


Remember to surround yourself with positive words from yourself.  No matter what it takes, stand in front of the mirror today and say something positive to yourself.

Choices

Everyday I  make a choice, it may take me a while to come to that choice, but I make it.  I choose to be grateful.  Some days it may be the smallest thing that I cling to, but it's a choice that keeps me waking up and taking on the day.

My battle with weight has been life long.  It was a taught battle, and unfortunately a battle that I have passed on to my children as well.   Food should be fuel for our bodies and nothing more, however for me it is more of a best friend.  Sounds silly I know, but stop and think about it.  We go to dinner to celebrate, a sweet treat for a job well done.  A chocolate shake to make the day better, a spoonful of peanut butter to help you think (the one thing I would take to an island).  When I quit smoking I grieved the loss of my constant companion as if it had died.  That was huge and helped me say goodbye to a really bad habit.  How do I say goodbye to food... I have to have it to stay alive!  I have to make a choice to change my food habits....
 
Today really was a struggle day until I got this awesome message from a friend on fb.  She wanted to tell me she liked my great attitude and that I was always smiling.  Wow, that could have not come at a better time for me and I thanked her gratefully for sending me that message with a cute smiley face.  She was almost shocked when I was honest with her and told her that I struggle with depression daily and that I make a choice daily.  I guess this is something that I really don't put out there.

I know what I have to do to be successful.  Pick the right foods, surround myself with positive.  Find encouragement..pulled into Pie Hole, bad decision.  Didn't go in, good decision.  Driving by Chic Fillet ...SQUIRREL ...chicken, lots of protein, saving a cow, veggies on the spicy chicken sandwich.  Lemonade, it's not soda.  Yep before I knew it consuming the best fast food ever!  This is one of those decisions that I should not have made, but I was saving a cow!

I made good food decisions today and some bad food decisions today ( saved a cow) but more good than bad.  I saw a sign today that said   "Lets resolve to make better bad decisions this year."  That works for me, taking this one decision at a time. 


So keeping it real update...I came home from playing/learning racquetball with my husband this evening and was not feeling all to well after the indulgence from my fast food craving.  Made triple choc cake and ate the batter.  Yep..I need to get rid of that theory that just because I messed up once means I can throw away the whole day.   I need to follow the advice of the Bible study that I am doing...Permissible But Not Beneficial ~ Just because something is permissible doesn’t mean it is beneficial to us. 

Motivation gone wrong

So to motivate myself for the new year of exercise (seems to be a yearly pattern) I decided to buy some amazing running pants

These running pants were really motivating to me, lets face it they would look like muscle jiggling on the treadmill not the cake and ice cream that I had.  Well the amazing running pants arrived in the mail and it was with great excitement that I ripped the package open and ran to the bedroom to try my amazing pants on.   Well they are really cool, stretchy and really, really tight...yep that XL I ordered needs another X...sigh. 
You would have thought that would have sent me running to the gym (lets be real about this, driving).  Nope so here I sit snuggled under a blanket with my two dogs, one which could really use the same treadmill I need, watching season 7 of Dexter.  Do I feel defeated, no, but typing this makes me realize that some serious habits of mine need to be broken....so begins the journey of this curvy girl. 

The first step in my adventure.

Life with a curvy girl can get complicated as well as adventurous.  I decided that maybe I should share my journey up and down the scales, in my business and life in general.  Yes I admit there is a certain addiction to all things bad for me.  Figuring out that balance between nutrition and sheer delight is usually a daily trek.

Come play along with me as I figure out my purpose and place in life.