Patience.

Patience....ugh, not something that I seem to have when it comes to getting healthy or at least the weight loss part of it.   I eat really well and hit the gym and seem to think I should see a huge difference in me.  We can all guess what happens next when I do that body inspection in front the mirror...no change!  Really, how can this happen?  I sweated and made my muscles hurt shouldn't I see something?  Shouldn't there be more shape in my legs or my belly definitely should be flatter because I hold my core posture whenever I'm on the elliptical or tread mill. 

Self sabotage my friends, just another form of it.  I am amazed at how quickly I have allowed myself to jump to these conclusions.  I know better, but that voice that is so afraid of coming out of the box and breaking through always manages to find her way into my brain space.  I know I have the ability to jump in and commit and get the job done.  I quit smoking almost five years ago, a two pack a day smoker who was seriously addicted. (would love to blame that 40 pound weight gain on that, cant)

Am I now addicted to being fat?  I had to sit down and seriously think about this.  No I am not addicted to being fat, I'm just really comfortable there.  It's really easy to be the funny energetic fat lady.  Am I totally happy there?  No I am not.  I am afraid to leave there on some levels and to be totally honest I'm not really sure why.  I guess that is why I am on this journey.

I have done so well on not emotional eating.  This is a huge success for me.  The change, allow yourself to be happy even through your struggles.  I am acknowledging to myself that happy is good and ok, wonderful and exciting.  Your journey doesn't have to be some brutal break down of everything for your journey to be a success.  There will be break downs and breakthroughs of all sizes.

I am seeing changes, not physical ones yet, but mental and emotional changes and I totally credit that with nutrition, vitamins, essential oils, exercise and movement. I thank God for giving me the strength to start this entire journey of self love so that I may give to others.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself...look into the mirror and embrace what a beautiful gift that you are.

Staying on track

I'm plugging along pretty good with the clean eating.  I have to work a bit more in the kitchen than I'm used to but at the same time some accomplished feelings from my cooking creations.  I get to feeling pretty confident in my ways and then I have to venture outside of my happy little comfort zone which I call home.

This last weekend we had a family get together for my nieces birthday.  I knew there would be birthday cake which I was ready to bypass no problem.  I actually had a chocolate cake at home that was clean and amazing.  No cake- check.   Well they ordered in some pizza for our celebration dinner, however that was not what I went to town on.  My niece had made macaroni and cheese and home made garlic rolls!  I love garlic rolls and I ate about five of those garlic rolls and I'm not sure how much mac and cheese found it's way from the fork to my mouth.   I felt awful within 10 minutes of stuffing my face.  My stomach sounded like Mount St. Helens rumbling and the pain and bloating just kept growing to the point of I'm sure I could pass for an pregnant woman in her seventh month. Sounds funny but I am thankful that my body reacted the way that it did.  This was probably one of the clearest message ever sent to me by my body when I sabotage myself or go off track.

What really amazed me through this was how quick my body went back to wanting certain foods.  The mind quickly adapted to crap I had just fed myself and the next day was trying to tell me I needed some processed fast foods.  Yes the Granny B cookie was the first thing that started singing to me...gladly I recalled the awful tummy rumblings of the day before.

I cant always stay in that wonderful comfort zone of home and I do have to venture out into the real world.  Defiantly have to put together some plans on how to best prepare myself and handle these situations so that I am not making myself sick from eating.  A friend of mine, who has some of the best clean eating recipes that I have been trying, had written in her blog how she prepares for these kind of events by making sure that she eats before attending that way knowing she is not going to be around a lot of clean eating choices that her body has been fueled and not so tempted to partake.    Yes I read this wonderful tip after the weekend festivities. 

I have started back to the gym this week and have had two great days on the treadmill and the elliptical.  It's not a habit yet and still just a decision.  I am looking forward to the day when I don't fight myself so hard on getting some exercise.  If I'm going to be a svelte 50 year old I had best make this a habit.  Tomorrow I add in some weights...eeek.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today...just go do it. 

I finally get it.

I have fumbled around looking for the best diet out there for me.  Finally it hit me...I don't want a diet.  I hate diets, I always feel deprived and get angry about it, then I seem to get defiant against myself and rebel on the diet and eat whatever I'm not supposed to just because I can.  This cycle has brought me many great success and then failure because of the "yo-yo" of it all.  I have actually grown up knowing very little about nutrition.  You serve a meat and a potato, portion size has always been just put it on the plate.  Going on a diet meant an extreme opposite of meat and potatoes, never anything balanced.

I started looking into clean eating about six months ago and have talked to quite a few people that clean eat and exercise regularly.  They feel better on so many levels.  Immediately I find a way to sabotage this.  How awful the food is going to taste or how limited I was going to be.  I took a step back and really looked into this.  How can I go wrong when I'm eating real food and not a bunch of processed chemicals.
I told myself well what about so much time cooking...really I stopped myself right there.  Enough already.  I used to cook some great meals for my family until my kids were old enough to be heavily involved in sports and fast food became our mainstay.  I feel it also became the beginning of the decline in my health.  We lived on fast food at least six nights a week because of some sport.  Home cooking became fast mixes of something instead of taking the time to prepare a meal.

About three weeks ago I made the decision that my husband and I will be clean eating.  I actually thought this one through.  I go major grocery shopping every two weeks.  I started buying my groceries based on clean eating and planned on cycling through the stuff in my cupboards and replacing everything eventually with all organic and real food.  We are getting there.  I have found myself enjoying trying a bunch of new spices and combinations to create some new meals to expand our eating horizon.
I am not hungry clean eating and in fact I find myself eating less.  Natural tastes of foods are coming through instead of a processed instant food.  I have even made a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting that was totally clean and totally awesome!  Not deprived at all.

I am down 7 pounds without really trying.  My energy levels are rising and I do not take until 11:30 in the morning to come out of a vegetative state.  Morning coffee is down in a half hour and some house hold chores seem to be getting done before noon ever hits.   Exercise starts back up this coming week regardless if my neck is done being sore or not.  I managed to tweak it, but there is no reason I cannot be walking for extra movement and start the gym habit back at the same time.  I have to get moving for the 5k I am doing in June.

I finally understand a life style change truly....Thank you God for allowing me to get past myself.  I love pushing forward to a healthy me.

Remember tell yourself something positive about yourself today....just go do it.  I promise you will be smiling back at yourself soon and realizing you are a beautiful person inside and out.

Healing

I fell off the radar for a bit.  Recovering from the lack of thyroid medicine was a bit more difficult than I thought it would be to be perfectly honest with you.  It didn't just effect my energy level but my emotional state was messed with big time.  The human body never ceases to amaze me, it's such a fined tuned operation that with one component missing it sure puts the rest in pure havoc. 

There was a haze that took forever to clear, unable to think straight, slow at processing things going on around me, exhaustion and just physical pain.  Depression grabbed hold pretty quick and has been difficult to keep fully at bay. I can go on and on about the how depression changes your life and everyday living, but I refrain.  I never thought as the forever optimist and seemingly happy go lucky girl that it would be something I would have to deal with.  Chronic pain has been a long term issue for me and to slide backwards in the pain department is what was so hard for me to deal with emotionally.  Chronic pain takes such a huge toll on people myself included.   I choose to treat it naturally instead with narcotics and this why my journey is so important to me.  I want to be functional and not drugged out.  I use a number of doTerra oils and supplements to help me balance my systems and I'm grateful for having those.  Exercise at first increases some of the joint pain, but relief does come.  Stretching and some beginning yoga has really helped with some movement issues and I have missed that very much. 

I am back in balance and heading forward again.   I am happy to say that my eating choices not always right on track have even through all of this stayed pretty good.  I did consume some Mrs B cookies...those are just to good!!  Exercise was a no go during all of this and I am honestly looking forward to getting back on the treadmill and working through that stiffness again. 

A journey is never really a straight line rather a series of curves, bumps and hills.  Hang on this curvy girl is moving forward again.

Remember to look in the mirror today and tell yourself something positive about yourself....just go do it.

Medicines

Well I have been on this huge roller coaster the past two weeks.  Huge emotional depths that I just didn't understand.  I was no longer sleeping through the night or getting to sleep more than two hours at a time.  Which is awful with lack of sleep brings on a whole slew of symptoms.  No sleep leads to worsened depression, lack of eating schedule and mixed messages from my brain whether I'm sleepy or hungry.  Fatigue and lack of just wanting to move or even leave my house.  I was kind of in freak out mode really.  I haven't been in this spot for over a year now and was distraught that I was falling back and not moving forward.  I was debating calling my doctor and getting back on anti depressants.

Four days ago while waking up totally fatigued and going through my morning routine of making coffee setting out my vitamins and putting my oils on I reached to grab my thyroid medicine.  It was not there and a huge light bulb went off.   I haven't taken my medicine in about three weeks...ugh.  No wonder!!!  It was knocked down and behind the coffee pot, out of sight out of mind.  I almost sat down and cried...a reason for the back slide and the fatigue.  I have a light shinning into the tunnel...yay!


If any of the above symptoms even sound remotely like something you feel, I would get your thyroid checked.  I didn't realize how much it could effect my mental and emotional health, but if you stop to think about how big of a roll your thyroid plays in your bodies function it totally makes sense.  I'm feeling more positive knowing that all will be balanced once again.  I am also making sure that I use the right oils to aid in the support of my thyroid so that if I ever (not if I can help it) do that again my crash will not be as hard.

No workouts in, but did do moderate stretching to keep my back and hips loose.  My positives in the mirror now that I think about are quite humorous.  I wouldn't give myself much...that's bad.  One of my positives was that my eyebrows were still full and not all the way gray yet...eeeek, hey but it was a positive.  I didn't really binge eat either, I don't keep a lot of binge options that are horrific in my house anymore.  However Jacksons and Granny B's cookies are less than a mile away and I did make those runs a few times..I hate confessing that.  I only would buy one though instead of three!  I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't lose either.

The battle of this curvy girl shall continue on!  Always discovering new things about myself and my food addiction good and bad I shall share with you.  

Remember to look in the mirror and say something positive about yourself to yourself, no matter how little you think it is.  Say it..it will make a difference.

Emotional Bumps

They days where you look outside and the sky is grey the ground is wet, a slight chill in the air.  I hear alot of people say spring is coming and are all excited.  I just cant get past the grey...

It has been a tough week.  I have not hit the gym, I haven't been binge eating, but I haven't really been cooking the best options either.  This week I have dealt with a pretty deep personal relationship in my life that has never really been the most healthy of relationships.  I choose not to engage or defend a family members behavior.  This has been very hard for me.  I don't like upsetting anyone, I would rather make you feel good about something than be the harsh one.  I have watched as the destructive behavior would effect everyone around, but worse yet the damage control that would try and be done once being "caught" in the destructive behavior.  I have always said I understand, or it will be ok during the damage control stage, however this time I couldn't even justify it in my own brain.  I took a stand and choose not to engage in the damage control and called the situation out for what it was.  I'm proud of myself because I no longer will allow this in our relationship, I am also scared to death because the typical reaction of fine, goodbye and I will miss you.  I'm angered to think that this is what is thought that I never want to see them again.  I am scared because of the reaction and past history.  It really has put me in that grey area.  I know I need to let go and give it to God.  I am praying for healing for both of us.

I haven't moved forward in making my habit of going to the gym or in the eating right.  That also contributes to the blah...however I am recognizing triggers and acknowledging those triggers and not reacting with my typical behavior.  I need to give myself credit for that because I know that is a major stepping stone in dealing with my behaviors with food.  The types of food that are in my house is changing and better options are happening.  I know I'm not crushing forward and giving everyone amazing amounts of advice on how to succeed.  The truth is writing this blog and journaling has been huge for me.  It allows me to process where I'm weak and where I'm strong and that is actually empowering.

Emotional journeys always seem to be the hardest.  I am grateful for everyone in my life and all the lessons that come with relationships.  I'm not sure how my husband puts up with this curvy girl and my bumpy ride. I love that he just smiles shakes his head, pulls me in for a hug and tells me he loves me. 

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today...please just do it.

Pushing through the pain.

Once upon a time about eight years ago I loved going to the gym.  I would wake up and head to the gym about six am every morning.  The funny thing is that I stopped at the local gas station to get my morning coffee mix (full of sugar) and a pack of cigarettes.  I would drive drink my coffee and get about three cigarettes in before I got to the gym where I would put 3.5 miles on a treadmill or elliptical and lifted four days a week.  I didn't fight back pain, I didn't fight the awful pain and ache in my tail bone or my knees.  To this day I cannot tell you why I stopped.  I did stop smoking and have eased up on the coffee.  I can tell you getting started again has been very difficult, even more difficult staying with it.

I cannot sit to long or my tailbone gets sore, usually a change in position helps.  If I have sat to long the pain and ache is there all day and it moves down into my knees.  If I have been on my feet to long the same scenario happens.  I cannot even explain to you what happens when I lay down with it.  The ache becomes intolerable in both my tailbone and knees.  It wakes me up, I cry or whimper around until the pain shifts.   I take over the counter pain meds and use pain relieving rubs on my knees to dull the pain.  This has been a daily part of my life and I had learned to accept it.  The pain stopped me from doing things that I enjoyed, simple tasks of window shopping, sewing or sitting through a movie.  Pain is a huge trigger for depression for me, which can increase pain.  I don't tell people or complain about the pain, no one needs to know.  Through the years I have let people assume I'm lazy or anti social, unmotivated or all of the other assumptions that come with not being able to physically do something.  I would even go to the other extreme and push my body beyond it's limits and be in such agonizing pain that prescription meds would have to be used to ease the pain, just so no one would know the amount of pain I was in.  Some how I viewed being in this much pain at my age as being weak.  I have been told I am weak if I could not handle daily pain. 

About a year ago I made some serious changes about the types of food that went into my mouth (trust me I still have a long way to go).  I also began taking supplements for anti inflammatory.  Natural ones, using essential oils to help heal my body.  When ever possible I avoid over the counter meds and prescriptions and use the natural stuff first.  My kids call me a "hippie", funny how the meaning of that has changed a bit.  I have educated myself on how many conditions of the body are due to inflammation.  Including the awful pain that takes place within me. 

The irony of all of this is thru supplements and diet I have been controlling the pain, until I started working out again.  The movement, impact or no impact has aggravated my sore spots again and I am in constant pain.  I am really struggling with continuing to work out because of the pain at the end of the day.  I know the lack of movement has stiffened things up and getting them moving again will be painful and was warned about it being painful.  I just didn't expect to be back in constant pain.  I know this will pass and those muscles and tendons and ligaments that have stayed tight to protect over inflamed areas are learning to work the right way again and the "stiff" bones will eventually not fight me on the movement.   I am so determined not to end up back in the dark places of my mind because of pain and the depression that it can bring on.  Ironic because exercise is supposed to produce feel good endorphins.

I still continue to watch what I eat, but this last week has been about just getting to the gym and working out, not just moving to shift the pain.  I love that my eyes have been opened about my triggers and that I can learn to manage and beat those triggers.  I pray for the strength to get through this awful physical pain so that I will not endure constant pain in the future with my healthy body, mind and spirit.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself EVERY day.

Story

I wrote the best blog post in my head today while on the treadmill.  Now only if I can remember it...I'm sure it would be really interesting or comical to see all the thoughts that ramble through my head during a workout.   I bargain with myself, encourage, dread all in one 60 minute period of sweating. 

I usually use the  treadmills above the pool area.  It's great people watching and has made me quite curious about some of these peoples stories.  There is a couple that I see most of the time when I am there.  They are so loving and you can tell supportive of each other, they swim and sometimes you see them clap for each other after some laps.  I imagine there are some personal goals they are meeting and overcoming some definite health issues.  You can tell when they walk that there is pain in every step.  I encourage them from my treadmill.  They are no different than me, wanting a better quality of life and taking those painful steps to get there.  The beautiful young girl I watched "ice dancing" in pool.  She would spin and jump and put her hands above her head like a beautiful and poised dancer, I envied her self abandonment in the moment.   I watched as some other kids walked by and giggled at her, not seeing the beauty in her dance and imagination.  When it was time to leave I watched her go with the loving supportive couple who could barely walk due to their size.  That is a pretty powerful motivator, not because they were big in size but big in their stature.  Taking those painful steps to reach a better less painful life with their beautiful daughter.  This family to me is a beautiful inspiring story.

 I read a post on fb last week where a friend didn't like going out to run, she were embarrassed about being out there and not looking like the part that should be running. How many times has this stopped me in the past, alot.   I'm proud to say this did not stop her and she went out anyway, I have always admired the strength and strong faith of this lady and I probably should tell her that.  She is inspiring to me.  Self image can be so detrimental to our journey of getting healthier.  Whether we fit in or look the part shouldn't be an issue in anyone getting healthier or staying healthy you cannot see someones story just by looking at them, if you think you can stop it. (unless it's a good one like above)

My story is that I deal with depression and food addiction.  I am taking charge of my food addiction, learning to eat better and exercise which will help with the depression.   My story is not always a happy one, but a very real one.  Just like the couple at the pool I am taking painful steps to become a better me.

The real part:  Weekend road trip without a plan.  Oops.  Jack in the box, Denny's, greasy bar burger, key lime Granny B's cookie oh and a cheese danish = 3.5 pounds gained.  Eeeekk...wrong direction.  Putting food into my mouth without a thought or a care really could have been avoided if I would have stopped and thought about it.  I have gotten really good at thinking about what is going in when i am in my home environment but not so well outside of it.  Something I am defiantly going to have to really make sure I am aware of.  The good that came of the road trip, besides and amazing time, I looked at it and realized it's something I have to work on.  I did not allow it to stop me from going forward this time!  I'm so proud of myself for that, huge!  Workouts are progressing and I am about to add the weight training to my routine.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself.  Go, do it now.

Fear of success.

Fear

1.

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

I fear success and I fear failure. If I look at this according to the definition I'm being just silly.  Success does not fit into this definition.  Why do I fear success so much, not only in my getting healthy journey but in my business as well.  I fear failure, because failures lead to success really.   Mind blown...My fear of success seems even sillier now.   

What is success for me, that seems to be the question I'm asking myself alot lately.  I have solely based my success on my husband and my children over the last 25 years.  My kids are adults and alive( i was sure i was going to take one out)...huge success.   My husband still winks at me across the room and takes me for everything that I am...huge success.  So why would I fear success so much, good things come from being successful.  

I picture my healthy successful self in a really cute pair of running shorts jogging the green belt with my pups running beside me.  That is a great successful vision, my legs still seem to appear longer than they really are.  What is there to fear about this healthy version of me...nothing!  Logically I see the big picture and the choices I have to make.  Emotionally is a whole other story. 

I have relied on eating to fix, help and process every single one of my emotions my entire life and letting go of that is scary as all get out.  Taking responsibility for what goes into my mouth instead of making excuses for what goes into my mouth makes me cry.  I seem to be viewing it as shutting down myself and everything that I am.  If only my metabolism understood emotional processing.   I have dealt with many childhood traumas and they do not and have not defined me as a person, they have made me a better and stronger person, however I used food to get me through everything including successes.   Wipe the tears away and take a deep breath.   I pray daily for the guidance and wisdom and grace to make all the changes that I need to make. 

Remember to look in the mirror and say something positive about yourself  today.  Just go do it.

Stress

The stress of dieting/getting healthy can really lead someone to just give the hell up!  Drink 8 glasses of water a day.  No beer or wine (particularly no fun), no carbs, no flour, no banana's no fruit in general.  Juice everyday, wait what?  I thought I couldn't have fruit.  Get up and work out before your brain figures it out.  You must eat breakfast within 30 minutes of waking, but wait aren't I supposed to be at the gym? Low-fat has more sugar added, low carb has more fat added. Ugh...it all gets really overwhelming and really frustrating which causes stress, which produces cortisol that adds mass to your belly, or so I have read.  How the heck are we supposed to know which is right and which is wrong.  I have been told you just have to find what works for you.  Really??   I feel like a floundering fish on the dock trying to get back into the water....I'm sure I heard about a diet where the guy ate Starbucks or McDonald's all year and lost weight.  What worked for me was a little pill called Phentramine, OK not really, old habits and triggers never resolved.

Stress is a huge trigger to eat for me, imagine being that floundering fish and feeling like dang I should have never eaten that worm!  Do you think the fish thought about eating the worm?  Do you think the fish analyzed his reason for wanting the worm? Nope he was hungry and ate the worm, no thought, no worry no analyzing what eating the worm meant.  The fish ate the worm for survival, he needed to feed so he did.  Sounds easy right...I should be able to not think about what I'm eating and just fuel my body.  Logically I totally understand this concept and really think that is what I should be able to do.  I should not have an emotional attachment to food.

I'm alot like that fish.  I just eat the worm, however it is not always out of hunger.  Usually after I have eaten I end up thinking about what and why I ate.  The decision of what I at is not always a bad one, unless we are going by the theory that fruit is forbidden.  Why I ate seems to be the one that keeps repeating itself.   The time of when I eat is another one that I am trying to really work on.

When my kids were young I would put them to bed and then the hubby would go to bed then I would sit down and "treat" myself to left over dinner or some more amazing dessert.  The house was quiet, I watched what I wanted and ate and enjoyed myself completely.  I continued this late night evening even after my children went away to college.  This cycle created the effect that I could not go to sleep without a full tummy.  Joy, another wrong signal.  I do have to be careful, hunger signals are now sent to my brain when I am tired.  My brain even starts the battle with me as I'm laying in bed....

I know I have written about attachment to food before, but this journey is not going to be one of those that I wrote about it and now it works (I wish).  I struggle with eating out of emotion, stress, boredom and being tired.  Everyday is there is a win and some loses, but each day I learn a bit more.  I am not at the gym everyday, but I am going at 3 times a week so far.  I still have a tendency to want to just stay home in my happy little bubble.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Routines

Lessons to be learned everyday.  We don't always control what our lessons are but we need to be very aware of what is coming at us during the day and learn from it.  Getting into a routine is a good thing, not paying attention to variables in your routine means you missed an opportunity to grow.  A gal I know who is an amazing foster mom put that into perspective the other day.  She was taking her daughter to daycare when her car broke down, had to get it towed to a shop, take a taxi from the shop to the daycare.  They both could have had a meltdown because the routine was destroyed but her daughter put it into a beautiful perspective...it was and adventurous day. 

Trying to start a new routine in itself is a task that seems next to impossible sometimes.  Starting a healthy life style is a challenge to this curvy girl for sure.  I am working hard on every aspect of this with success and failures.  I get the healthy eating down for the first part of the day, but end up with a bunch of spoonfuls of peanut butter in my face before I realize what I have even done.  Peanut butter has always been on of those go to foods at night for me (nothing better than by the spoonful).   Breakfast the most important meal of the day.  It's a meal I fight with myself to eat, my entire life I have not been a breakfast eater, it's the meal to get your metabolism started to fuel you for the day and should be eaten within a half hour of rising.  Ugh!  I'm lucky if food gets down me before 1:00 p.m.  I have been working very hard on this one and 5 out of 7 days I do have something breakfasty down me within 45 minutes of getting up.  It's not perfection (another form of self sabotage) and that is OK. 


I have hit the treadmill three days out of the last four!!  Yay me!  I can honestly say the only reason I didn't go was because I didn't have a car.  Hmmm....who sees a bit of self sabotage here.  I could have very easily put a leash on the dog and cruised, OK drug the dog through the neighborhood for some movement that day.  I even just justified it by stating I didn't have a car there for I could not possible move in any physical way.   The routine I am setting up for myself seems to be exercise only in a gym setting, that is not OK.  I need to allow variables in my routine so that I set myself up for success instead of failure. 

I am learning that routines are not always a bad thing.  A routine had always represented giving in, to what I have no clue.  I had a daily routine, but really without structure (another form of self sabotage).  I am discovering there is alot more freedom and a lot less pressure when some structure is in there even when a variable is thrown in there.

I was asked the other day if always referring to myself as a curvy girl was projecting a negative image in my mind.  I had to think about that.  I don't want to put any kind of image in my mind that might sabotage what I am trying to achieve.  Life long health.  The answer I came up with is no.  Marilyn Monroe by today's standards is considered a curvy girl.  Jane Mansfield and all of the hot blond bombshells of that era would be considered curvy girls.  Why you ask, because they have boobs and a butt and you cant count their ribs.  I have always had boobs and a butt even when weighing in at 107 pounds.  Yes I want to be called a curvy girl, a healthy curvy girl!

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Life with a curvy girl: Bargaining for what

Life with a curvy girl: Bargaining for what: I am amazed at just how much one person can learn about themselves.  I am the queen of procrastination that is for sure, I always try to be ...

Bargaining for what

I am amazed at just how much one person can learn about themselves.  I am the queen of procrastination that is for sure, I always try to be better at it but that goal just seems to be pushed off...hmm, more procrastination.   I also learned that procrastination is a great method of self sabotage.  Well, that just put a whole new perception on that!  I'm sure I have heard and read this numerous times, but some how when I read it this time it seemed to have turned on a light. 

Bargaining myself out of joy seems to be another good method of self sabotage that I discovered about myself just the other day.   I love to sew, aprons seem to make me very happy when I make them.  I love the designing, construction and seeing the what my completed project looks like.  I love giving them away that makes me even happier.   The last 3 years I have not made more than two aprons.  I never really thought much about it, until yesterday as I'm walking to the car and was bargaining with myself.  If you go to the gym you can sew....What!!!  I know I have tried to make this deal with myself more than once over the last couple of years.   Really....I haven't been sewing because I bargain something that brings me joy and others around me.  If I'm being joyful I am spreading that joy.  I love making something knowing I get to give it to someone.  My bargain deprived other people of joy!!

Well I let that one go pretty quick and whipped out a very cool Big Bang Theory apron, yes I gave it to my husband to use when he makes his famous chicken strip dinners (normally in his good work clothes).   Seriously one form of self sabotage whipped...now only if I could spell that sound effect.  Bargaining with yourself is not always a great thing to do, but if you must make sure you are not taking away something that brings joy.  When you feel joy you cant help but share it, don't take that away from yourself or the people around you.

I did hit the gym today.  Quad felt really good so I walked 3.5 miles today and burned 443 calories.  I even jogged a quarter mile of it today.  Averaged a 17 minute mile a good starting point, will be working to reduce that daily.  It felt really good and I rewarded myself with lots of kudos, oh and a new sports bra.  The girls pretty much got a work out on their own during the jog portion today.  I'm looking forward to the day when I can run that 3.5 miles.  I miss running.

Thank you God for giving me the strength to make this journey.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself...do it now.

Life with a curvy girl: Definition

Life with a curvy girl: Definition: Definition of DEPRESSION 1. : a displacement downward or inward < depression of the jaw> 2 : an act of depressing or a ...

Definition

Definition of DEPRESSION

1.

: a displacement downward or inward <depression of the jaw>

2

: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a (1) : a state of feeling sad (2) : a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide b : a reduction in functional activity, amount, quality, or force <depression of autonomic function> <depression of red blood cells> 

 

Most of America does not talk about depression or how it affects them or their loved ones.  "Mental Health" is usually only discussed when the horrific events take place.  Unfortunately this seems to only fuel the misconception of depression.  You would actually be amazed at how many people face daily depression and are not facing going off the deep end. 

Embarrassment has always been felt when talking so someone about dealing with daily depression.  The look in someones eyes and the wonder they have about you.  Dealing with "it" is usually a quiet battle that no one knows you are going through.  I cannot tell you all of the chemical science behind it, I do know being overweight, inactive and chronic pain contribute majorly to it. I do know that I have been dealing with depression for as long as I can remember, heavy and thin. This does not mean that I am sad all of the time, or that I even need medication.  I function and I function well, I enjoy people, places and things.  Sometime getting myself into these functions takes more gumption or talking myself into.  If I am not aware on a daily basis of where my "mood" is I can easily become very inactive, quiet, extremely tired and in a funk.  Sometimes a funk can physically hurt, sometimes its just exhaustion.

I believe that if I am going to get truly healthy I need to address more than just the physical part of it.  The mental part plays a bigger role than any of us give it credit for.  We need to be very aware of what our thoughts are and what those thoughts contribute to our mood.  I try everyday to keep this in check, some days much easier than others for sure.  

 

I'm am not sure why I was so compelled to write about depression today.  I hope that this reaches someone that it needs to reach.  Who ever you are, you are not alone.  Depression is not a stigma, nor should you be treated like it is.  There are so many solutions at our fingertips.  Asking is the hardest part, but you have to start some where.  Take the first step and realize that you are not alone and probably more people in your life can relate to what you are dealing with...ask.

 

 

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

 

 

Working through it.

The last week has been quite the emotional and mental journey for me.  I was so excited to start working out with such intensity for sure fire definite results.  I loved that I broke through some fears and went to workout no matter what and was determined to go back on Thursday.  Well my body had other plans.  My right quad apparently takes the brunt of any squats lunges or general leg workouts...I managed to strain the muscles in my right quad.  Yeppers when I do it I do it big.  I literally could not walk, forget getting up and down from a sitting position.  It was quite the entertaining site for sure.  I looked a little bit like Lurch dragging my right leg along for the ride.

Wednesday was all good, lots of pain but a positive outlook for the next days workout.  I could do this, I could stretch and warm up work though the tears.  Thursday rolled around with no improvement, no work out, cant drive so how am I supposed to workout.   Thursday was not a good day.  It was a day that my mind, body and soul hurt.  I got into my own head...self -sabotage.  (Reading a really good book about this.)  I have become that person that is so fat that working out injures themselves. Wondering if I should just give up.  I felt like a failure a quitter for not following through.  What good is getting healthy if all it does it cause injury and pain.  Why bother with it, live the life that I have been dealt and move on.  Thursday was a day spent going to dark places that I try to avoid because a not very nice person lives there.  She is mean and overly critical.   The reality of my injury, I am out of shape and I pushed myself very hard during Tuesdays workout.  Nothing to be so critical of really. 

My victory for Thursday I did not binge eat!!!  Huge, huge and triple huge! 

Learning to love and encourage ones self is not an easy journey.  Admitting faults, reactions and feelings out loud or on paper makes you really take a peek at just how awful we can treat ourselves.  I am really mean to myself sometimes, almost a bully.  I have caught myself a few times this weekend and have corrected the thoughts I was having.  My daughter has been a big help in stopping me when I start out with a negative about myself.  (I am sad knowing I taught her this same behavior).  I think I will journal my feelings to help me process through them and they way that I choose to react to them.  I think putting them on paper will be a positive thing just like sharing this blog.

I am down a half pound this week, I will take that.  Tomorrow I will either be swimming or on a bike at the gym, I have to be careful not to go into I need to heal more mode.  I will not give up!!  I am making better food choices and working on portion control, big one for me.

Remember to look in the mirror and tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

The book I am reading: “Best Friend Worst Enemy – Overcoming Self-Sabotage in YOUR Life!’ Jane Freund.  The book is available on Amazon, plus she has some local workshops available as well.

Numbers Day

I'm back.  I managed to be on the receiving end of someone sharing their cold/flu with me. I was hit pretty hard by it and even missed a Superbowl party.  That in it's self was probably not a bad thing, somehow Superbowl food rates right up there with Thanksgiving overindulgence.

I signed up for a 21 day fitness at FIT, LLC that started today.  Talk about having a great excuse not to go!  Still having the head pressure and a bit of a sore throat I would have be justified staying home.  I really proud of myself though....I went.  Scary, specially not knowing who I had in my workout group.  Before my workout I had to do the dreaded weigh in and body fat percentage.  OUCH!!    I told you I would be honest about all of this.  I weighed in at 224 the kicker 105 of that is fat.  I am at 48% body fat. (I carry it well though)  Almost half of my body is fat...Yes, I'm still letting this sink in.  I can handle this, this is why I am at gym and on my journey.

What I wasn't ready to handle was the feeling I had while working out.  I was less stressed about the two beautiful women I was working out with, than the reality of how out of tune my body is.  It was hard not to cry as I'm doing lunge thingies with weights.  Yes pain, but mostly how did I let myself get here.  The very humbling feeling of doing high knee steps and my own stomach hitting my thighs and  getting in the way.  The worst part being so out of shape that I couldn't even finish the work out.  I was done, wiped out, light headed and dizzy.  I was mortified.  I was always the one even out of shape that would push through, sweat it out and finish it.  I observed the rest of our workout, sweating from my efforts.  I let my head clear so I could drive and left in tears and angry at myself. (Grateful the car was not a stick shift )  Not for not finishing but for telling myself for so long that I was OK.  I am not OK!!  Almost half of my body is fat and I cannot do more than a 20 minute workout without major body pain and being nauseous, that is not okay!!!

Seeing my numbers and the 72 pounds that I need to lose to get me down to a 22% body fat really opened my eyes, but what caught my attention the inability to complete a workout.  To face the lie I have been telling myself that my size never stops me from doing what I want..HUGE lie!

I did more today than I did yesterday or the week before.  Reality check hit, loving doTerra right now for Deep Blue oil for my poor legs and arms.  Loving myself for winning my battle of go don't go today! Mental and emotional battles won today!  I will return to FIT, LLC on Thursday and push through more than 20 minutes of our planned workout!  

One small step at time.  Thanking God for the strength and humility to start my journey for a better me.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Goals

Patience with weight loss is something I am still learning.  I have always done the quick fix with no long term success.   A few months back I was told by my doctor that if I kept up at this rate my pancreas would burn out and I would be a full fledged diabetic.  EEeeekkkk... not acceptable!  I did everything she told me to do no bread, potatoes, rice, cereal, oatmeal lots of fruits and veggies.  I dropped 20 pounds pretty quickly and actually felt better.  Well, the weight lost is almost all back on.  The only goal I had set for myself was to get my insulin levels back to normal.  I did that...now what?

In the past I would set a goal for myself go hard and smash through it.  I would not even acknowledge the steps that I took to reach whatever goal was set.  It has really been all or nothing (not a great option), that pattern was really setting me up for failure.  Losing weight I would meet my goal but never change the cycle in which I got there.  All or nothing, I either did it or I didn't.


Getting to a goal takes commitment, choices, fear, and change.  Just racing for that goal and hitting it without any acknowledgement of steps taken forward and backward is just a set up to repeat the vicious cycle.  Taking a step forward needs to be celebrated and high fives, taking a step backwards needs to be acknowledged and learned from so that you do not repeat it. 

I met with the trainer today and we set some first goals before we start the workouts next week.  Something that is difficult for me, portion sizes.  I suck at guessing serving sizes, my steps to this first goal is to  measure out my portions.  If I'm eating out get a to go box before I even take a bite and put half of my meal in the to go container.  Genius!! Eating breakfast within a half hour of waking up...oh this is soooo hard for me.  I will be aware of both and take those first steps to reach my life long goal of health.

Acknowledge your baby steps because they are victories.  We get stronger with each victory, with strength the backward steps aren't so big.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Accountability

Accountability it's even discussed in the Bible.  It's really a big scary word if you over analyze it.  Who are we accountable to?  What are we accountable for?  Why does accountability really matter?

I am learning that this word is a huge factor in my success in getting healthy.  Holding myself accountable for what goes into my mouth, my actions and my choices in everything.  In the past I have always bargained with myself.  If I eat this pizza I will walk the dog later, or I will get to the gym to make up for this.  The bargain also included since your eating pizza you might as well have some ice cream for dessert, because I am planning on going to the gym.  Next step,  I don't really want to go to the gym so picking up my house and vacuuming will be like a workout...the bargaining goes on and on.  I had no accountability to myself, no paying attention to anything other than that immediate satisfaction of what I wanted.  My lack of accountability has snowballed me to where I am now.  I think lack of accountability/responsibility also leads you to sabotage yourself.  Easier to put it on everything and every where else than where it belongs. 

No more bargaining allowed.  I am learning to step back and think about why I'm standing in front of the refrigerator not acting immediately on the whim of what I think I want to eat.  I have rescheduled with the trainer and will not waste his time or mine.   I am learning that healthy does not mean deprived.

I am accountable to God, myself, my family in all my choices and yes accountability matters without it I would weigh a ton.  

Happy notes:  Down 3.5 pounds, enjoying juicing (at least once a day) and getting better at racquetball.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Moving forward

Through a very rough time yesterday, today was a healing day.  Looking at yourself honestly is not an easy task but a humbling one.  I have been told I was brave to put that out there, lets be honest about this if you knew me it was not a big surprise to you as it was to me.  Now what, time for me to be hyper aware of reacting out emotion.  To dwell on this or accept that this is just how I am is not moving forward, therefore is unacceptable.  With every painful part of life comes growth and for me this was a growth spot.

The thing that makes this journey for a truly healthy me is this time I am willing to look at the good, the bad and the ugly.  I was never willing to honestly face my short comings or how I viewed myself or my relationship with food.  Changing the way I approach situations is key to my success in this journey and looking at my "ugly" is a step in that direction.  If getting healthy was only has easy as getting fat/unhealthy was. 

I truly believe that everyone can change physically by exercising  and eating healthy, but if you are unwilling to make some kind of emotional change, or recognize the negative influences around you the quest may keep repeating itself until some issues are resolved.

Changes have already been rolling in me this week, even with a rough emotional day I did not use food to comfort me!  I totally took this deed head on!!!  Thank you God for giving me the strength.

Today was really no more than readdressing what I am thankful for.  I have an amazing family and a few friends that love me no matter what.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today no matter what.

Not a great day.

Today was an awful day in alot of ways.  I was so excited and so proud of myself for reaching out for help only to sabotage myself once again.  I had a night of mouth pain and a pounding head (pain killers taken), so I canceled my meeting with trainer, late I should add.   Really no excuse, it was a meeting not a workout.
I totally wasted this guys time and I felt horrible about it.  How selfish of me, and I found myself really beating my self up and some personal realizations of just how selfish I can be.   I did call him later in the day and apologize for wasting his time and told him I realize his time is valuable and I do appreciate that.  He told me would send me a time when he was available again...I have not heard from him and totally get it.  This guy is really good at what he does and doesn't need to chase after someone who appears to be not serious.  I will call him again as hard as that is going to be.

Today was a glimpse into a side of  me I really did not want to see.  It's hard to realize that your excuses affect other peoples lives and not always in a positive way.  I know I have let people down, shorthanded and alone all because I couldn't see past my own depression.  I am truly sorry to anyone I have effected because of this and humbly ask for your forgiveness.


I saved this and did not post this yesterday...I did not want to post something out of pure emotion, I will admit I cleaned this up a bit today before publishing.  This is a super hard one for me to let everyone see.

I did tell myself something positive about myself yesterday, as hard as it was.

Big Scary Step

Motivation, choices, body image...yep I have managed to talk about all three, but what is all of this coming to.  Me just typing about all the things that I need to change and do without taking any action.  Nope I cant do that, for the first time I really need to commit to this.


My God given gift is the power of encouragement.  I can and will whole heartedly cheer you on in anyway that you need.  I will even sew you a cape if that's what it takes for you be fulfilled, successful, and happy.  I feel pure joy when I am able to truly encourage someone.  I would go to the end of the earth to make sure you know that you are capable, gifted and loved.  It's a God given gift that for some reason I do not lavish on myself.  I do everything possible to discourage myself...ugh, this needs to stop!

Today I took a BIG scary step and reached out to a trainer for help.  It is only a 15 day challenge, but this is huge for me!  I have serious commitment issues!  Asking someone for help means I have to show up, it means i cant quit, it means not canceling because I didn't get enough sleep.  It means I cant bail!  It means I have to try... It means that I could succeed.  This is really, really scary for me.

I am realizing that my go with the flow attitude is not always conducive to a plan, and many parts of life need plans.  I have a tendancy to view plans as restrictive not a a roadway to use for achieving success.  This is a lesson that I am learning from a online Bible study that I am participating in and the book we are using is "Made to Crave Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food by Lysa Terkeurst.   I highly recommend this book whether you decide to do this as a bible study or just read it.  

I do want you to know while taking the big scary step I was driving to Five Guys to meet a friend for lunch while I was talking to the trainer!  Getting ready to kiss Five Guys goodbye until I learn some new eating habits.

Tomorrow at 10 a.m.  I have a meeting with Justin at FIT  LLC to learn about nutrition and to set up our times together.  I'm really scared about this a little excited and a little depressed.  If I would have thought this all the way through I would have set this up so I could enjoy a bunch of really bad food all weekend.  I like to think that this means I will succeed in this journey because the food was not the first thought this time.

Remember to tell yourself something positive about yourself today.

Body Image

Every time I walked by the mirror today I was shocked at that woman that was there!  Holy molly when did that happen.  The number on the scale doesn't always portray what we think we look like in our brain.  I know I'm overweight, however I do not see myself as big as I am, so when I do see myself in a picture or in the mirror I am a bit shocked.  Which usually triggers either an oh my God attack of either food or a sudden need to plank.  If you can plank you have ab muscles, if you have ab muscles it cant be so bad, right.

The other end of the spectrum when I picture my future self in a skinner frame somehow my legs seem to get about six inches longer.  I'm not sure how that happens, but I like it.  I could wear all the thigh high boots and they would go where they belong instead in my crotch.  I seem to see myself with wind blowing my hair away from my face and that perfect Victoria Secret model walk happening.  Hmmm....sorry was enjoying the picture of my modelesc self.

So how do we find that right body image for us to hold onto, that mental image for us to shoot for?  Why do we have to have an image, most of them that we project for ourselves are not realistic.  There is a video floating around out there that Dove sponsored.  They had an artist listen to these women describe themselves and the artist drew them, then the artist had someone else describe them and drew them...the difference in the pictures were huge.  We all have are own distorted images that we need to throw out the window.

The body image we usually have to look at when we are older are our parents.  My father is a great specimen of health for an 87 year old man.  He rides his bike daily watches his diet and plays golf regularly.  My mother struggled with her weight all her life and did not take care of herself.  I now watch my 78 year old mother struggle with standing up right, kidney disease, diabetes.  It makes me angry that my mother did not stop and take the time to take care of herself, to get fit and eat right.  The awful truth about this is I am my mother.  I now sit in a position to take charge and make some changes or end up with this same path that my mother now is on and hates it.
 
I have to picture a goal to work for.  Here is my picture:

I wake up in the morning refreshed and recharged.  My body doesn't have struggles getting out of bed, when I stand my feet do not hurt from having the extra weight on them.  I can bend over to tie my shoes without having to hold my breath and grunt.  My muscles are lean and strong, my eyes will be bright and alert to all of the beauty around me, my skin will glow from my body not being toxic.  I will be able to run along with my great nieces and nephews and someday my grand children. 


Remember to surround yourself with positive words from yourself.  No matter what it takes, stand in front of the mirror today and say something positive to yourself.

Choices

Everyday I  make a choice, it may take me a while to come to that choice, but I make it.  I choose to be grateful.  Some days it may be the smallest thing that I cling to, but it's a choice that keeps me waking up and taking on the day.

My battle with weight has been life long.  It was a taught battle, and unfortunately a battle that I have passed on to my children as well.   Food should be fuel for our bodies and nothing more, however for me it is more of a best friend.  Sounds silly I know, but stop and think about it.  We go to dinner to celebrate, a sweet treat for a job well done.  A chocolate shake to make the day better, a spoonful of peanut butter to help you think (the one thing I would take to an island).  When I quit smoking I grieved the loss of my constant companion as if it had died.  That was huge and helped me say goodbye to a really bad habit.  How do I say goodbye to food... I have to have it to stay alive!  I have to make a choice to change my food habits....
 
Today really was a struggle day until I got this awesome message from a friend on fb.  She wanted to tell me she liked my great attitude and that I was always smiling.  Wow, that could have not come at a better time for me and I thanked her gratefully for sending me that message with a cute smiley face.  She was almost shocked when I was honest with her and told her that I struggle with depression daily and that I make a choice daily.  I guess this is something that I really don't put out there.

I know what I have to do to be successful.  Pick the right foods, surround myself with positive.  Find encouragement..pulled into Pie Hole, bad decision.  Didn't go in, good decision.  Driving by Chic Fillet ...SQUIRREL ...chicken, lots of protein, saving a cow, veggies on the spicy chicken sandwich.  Lemonade, it's not soda.  Yep before I knew it consuming the best fast food ever!  This is one of those decisions that I should not have made, but I was saving a cow!

I made good food decisions today and some bad food decisions today ( saved a cow) but more good than bad.  I saw a sign today that said   "Lets resolve to make better bad decisions this year."  That works for me, taking this one decision at a time. 


So keeping it real update...I came home from playing/learning racquetball with my husband this evening and was not feeling all to well after the indulgence from my fast food craving.  Made triple choc cake and ate the batter.  Yep..I need to get rid of that theory that just because I messed up once means I can throw away the whole day.   I need to follow the advice of the Bible study that I am doing...Permissible But Not Beneficial ~ Just because something is permissible doesn’t mean it is beneficial to us. 

Motivation gone wrong

So to motivate myself for the new year of exercise (seems to be a yearly pattern) I decided to buy some amazing running pants

These running pants were really motivating to me, lets face it they would look like muscle jiggling on the treadmill not the cake and ice cream that I had.  Well the amazing running pants arrived in the mail and it was with great excitement that I ripped the package open and ran to the bedroom to try my amazing pants on.   Well they are really cool, stretchy and really, really tight...yep that XL I ordered needs another X...sigh. 
You would have thought that would have sent me running to the gym (lets be real about this, driving).  Nope so here I sit snuggled under a blanket with my two dogs, one which could really use the same treadmill I need, watching season 7 of Dexter.  Do I feel defeated, no, but typing this makes me realize that some serious habits of mine need to be broken....so begins the journey of this curvy girl. 

The first step in my adventure.

Life with a curvy girl can get complicated as well as adventurous.  I decided that maybe I should share my journey up and down the scales, in my business and life in general.  Yes I admit there is a certain addiction to all things bad for me.  Figuring out that balance between nutrition and sheer delight is usually a daily trek.

Come play along with me as I figure out my purpose and place in life.